Too Much Stupid

Back from visiting the family for Christmas and New Year, I fear that I am becoming increasingly grumpy.

We travelled quite a bit over the past two weeks, and I really did feel close to a bout of 'air rage' a couple of times. I knew that the airports, planes, roads, trains etc would be busy and crowded. I knew that I would have jet lag, and a very active and excited daughter. I even knew that I would get travel sick. All of those I was prepared for, but I just didn't factor in how much stupid I would be subjected to as we travelled.

Many of my moans are epically insignificant, and I know better than to share them with others (oh, go on then, people who let their kids play with the suitcases as they go round the carousel at the airport? Stupid). But there are some people who go beyond being inept or unaware, and actually start to become dangerous.

For example - the TWO groups who stepped off a train, then stopped (right in front of the doors) to work out where to go. When the trains are busy, with a line of people pushing to get out, and another group waiting to get in, do not block the doorways. OK - so that example is inconvenient rather than outright dangerous, but it still baffles me why some people are lacking the basic rules of navigating in busy cities.

Another one - the number of people who had to be paged, repeatedly, to get on their plane. Now, if they are on a connecting flight, they may just be unlucky, but I saw more than one (or two) people rushing to get to a departure gate with bags of duty free in their hands. Shopping is not essential, people, get to your flight on time.

And while we're at it, stick to the limits for hand luggage. 

But my real gripe was one that I considered actually calling an air steward for (only I'm too much of a coward and didn't want to get held up once we landed). Across the aisle from me sat a family of 3, including a teenage boy. As the plane was preparing to land, he and his dad kept pretend fighting. Annoying, but not dangerous. As we were on the final descent, I could see that he had some kind of electronic in his hands, and he was tapping/pushing buttons as if he were texting or playing a game. The moment we landed, he undid the seat belt, then picked up a Blackberry and began texting on that as well. He was doing this, even as the pilot was saying that we should still have seat belts on and not be using electronics.

To be honest, I'm fairly certain that he wasn't about to send the plane hurtling from the sky by playing games on the ipod. My problem is, that I just don't get why he, and the other people that annoyed me, don't see that they are in a public space and they should be considerate of others.

Travelling in public means that you have to put up with the sight/sound/smell of other people. There isn't a whole lot that can be done about it. But there are kind of unwritten rules - don't yell down your phone in an enclosed space, don't stop in the middle of a walkway, follow instructions, don't push etc etc. Basically, try to stay within your own space and don't impose on others too much. 

OK, so rude and stupid aren't the same thing, but there is a correlation between them. Next time I travel, I shall prepare myself better, and try some kind of meditation to get me over the hard times. But then, won't that annoy someone sitting near me?

 

Nice Men

I have just finished reading an article about rape.

Nice Guys


This article is very clear about the reasons behind rape, and how best to prevent it.

It seems that there is a LOT of research about the motivation and cause of rape, and absolutely none of it finds that women wearing short skirts or drinking alcohol are a factor.

Even in date rape or acquaintance rape, the rapist knows what he is doing, plans it, and carries out that plan. So all of the advice about staying with a friend, don't drink too much etc is pretty useless. Very few of us are constantly on the look-out to make sure that we're not being groomed for rape. Just as con-men rely on their victims trusting them and believing them, rapists rely on women being relaxed, trusting them, knowing them (or at least knowing the friend they are with) so that they can carry out their plan.

The article also makes it clear that supporting the myth that sometimes 'nice men' just get confused and accidentally rape a woman because they weren't sure, but thought that maybe she wanted it, increases the likelihood of rape. Clearly stating that any and all rape apologist arguments are false, and turning the discussion to the rapist and why he is in the wrong, can lower the amount of rapes that occur.

So, I would just like to re-word the argument that many people still believe. Nice men do NOT sometimes commit rape by mistake. Rapists pretend to be nice men, so that they can claim it was a mistake.

Be very clear about this. A rapist is neither nice nor mistaken. THAT thought should be foremost in society. 

Gotta Fight for the Right ...

I am, apparently 'professionally offended', or so I've been told.

Not just once, but a few times.

Which is odd, because I have a number of jobs, and none of them have 'being offended' in either the job title or description. All of my jobs are such a stereotype of a middle class woman, suffering from middle age spread, that it is almost impossible to believe that I could be offended. Sure, I might get a bit het up about whether my cupcakes have risen or not, or the use of a greengrocers' apostrophe, but generally I am pretty busy just living my own life and don't have the time or energy to get upset about other people's business.

By the time I've taken care of the child, the house, the garden, the car, the teaching, the cupcakes and the studying, I only have a smidgen of energy left over for The Cause. Often, truth be told, I'd rather have a cup of tea, put my slippered feet up, and watch some trash TV. I may have the inclination to go out and socialize, but even that is only a maybe as I find my daily life is sufficiently hectic (and fulfilling) to make me enjoy a night in just as much as a night out.

So it's fairly rarely that I read/watch/hear something and actually bother to voice my opinions, even online. There's also a healthy dash of the British modesty in there - who wants to hear my opinions, what are they worth? - which means that I'm less than forthcoming about my responses to certain situations. In real life, I am even less vocal about the injustices I see. In real life, I often flounder when attempting to put forward my argument. I don't recall facts and figures easily, so need time to check on research etc. Basically, I keep shtum. 

All of this means, that I'm really not some female warrior crusader. Tired from all the hullabaloo, I don't make much of a fuss. But I will raise my voice every so often. There are some issues where I will dig in my heels and kick up a fuss (even if I look ungainly as I do so). I'm not professionally offended, I'm just pointing out the bleeding obvious to those who don't want to be told what is right in front of their noses.

I'm not sure if that counts as fighting for my rights, but I like to think that I quietly, with surety, set up a good defense boundary. I may not be leading the charge, but neither am I letting in any of the people who would like to see me beaten. And behind these defensive walls, I AM raising the child, taking care of those around me, teaching (and being taught about) respect and equality. I may not be yelling a battle cry, but I am taking care of business. My business. If that offends you, so be it.

Why it's NOT OK to joke

about certain things.

Something has got me riled up.

A light hearted comment made on British TV (and no, I won't credit the person who said it) which referenced domestic violence has attracted some debate.

Predictably, the usual comments have been rolled out. He didn't really mean it. You've taken it out of context. You're being over emotional. Can't you take a joke?

Well, no.

I CAN'T FUCKING TAKE A JOKE THAT REFERENCES VIOLENCE.

I teach. I teach children about a lot of things. And one of the things that I teach is that certain things are never, and will never, be up for flippant comment. Domestic violence is one of those things. The children that I teach get it. So why, oh why, don't adults?

Believe it or not, I don't go around looking for things to offend me. I'm not 'professionally offended' and quite a few people who actually know me think that I am quite funny, even entertaining at times. I have a reputation for being pretty laid back and easy going.

So when I do get upset, I think it's because something is genuinely upsetting. TV shows are scripted, discussed, planned etc. So somewhere, a group of people thought that it would be OK to use the phrase 'punch you in the face then give you a little kiss'. This phrase is often used to describe the physical and emotional ways in which men (generally) assault their partners. First the pain, then the turmoil, as they say 'it's OK, I only do it cos I love you' before they plant the kiss.

So, please don't make jokes like that. It isn't actually funny. I can think of lots of jokes, but domestic violence isn't one.

The Naked Truth

Why does it matter how we dress?

As a teacher, the issue of clothing rears its ugly head far too often. Thankfully, I am no longer in the UK, and don't have to deal with the endless disputes over school uniform.

Even so, there are problems which some people think we should address about what students should wear. In particular, it would seem that the garb of teenage girls causes the greatest controversy.

Only in a male dominated society could you find a situation where women have limits on how much skin they should expose, then failing to comply means that they are inviting sexual advances from men. In other words, girls, if you wear a spaghetti-strap top, then you have announced that you want men to leer at you, or worse.

So here are some 'truths' as I see them.

1. If a male can't look at a female without feeling overwhelmed by lust - just because he can see some skin - then he has a serious problem and should be seeking help. The female should have no problems at all about this.

2. There is a real paradox. Women are supposed to want to look attractive, so should dress in a way that men will enjoy, but women should be attractive without appearing too sexy. So short shorts? mini skirts? skimpy tops? They are all manufactured, marketed and sold, but we aren't supposed to actually wear them.

3. Men are allowed to take their tops off when they get hot, and run around just wearing shorts. It is assumed that even if women look and letch, they still won't touch. Should a woman wear a skimpy top, she has given carte blanche to any man to rape her, and what is more she deserved it because she was showing some skin.

4. If women wear too much clothing, they are told that they appear dowdy or frumpy. We should show some skin, just not too much. How much is the right amount varies dramatically. We're damned if we do and damned if we don't.

5. Society is so concerned about the way that women dress, even TV aimed at pre-schoolers has to censor what women wear. Really? Do 4 year olds get damaged by seeing a woman wear a skirt that ends above the knee?

There are so many rules about what is and isn't acceptable that it is impossible to explain them clearly. Obviously, men also have social mores to abide by, but they receive less condemnation about showing a little skin than women do.

So here's my two pence worth: Wear what you like.
 
I wish that I could advocate that you can walk down the street naked. You would be doing no harm. Sadly, though, you would get arrested. I try not to think about it too much, but just to get on with my life and wear what I want. I try to be oblivious to the judgement of others, and not to judge them. For now, I won't be telling teenage girls to cover their shoulders. I'm not brave enough to stage a protest by turning up to work naked, but I would applaud anyone who did.

Hush, Hush,

I thought I heard you call me a name ...

This post has been brought about from a mixture of real life and online events. It's about the need for groups on Facebook to be 'secret'.

I belong to one of these top secret groups. Not because I have anything to be ashamed of, but because I am concerned about the reaction of some of my Facebook Friends if they read my comments on there.

The group is about feminism. I haven't belonged for long, but it is for women who want to talk about feminist issues, and get involved in some action. 

Everybody knows that Facebook doesn't necessarily mean that your closest friends and family are even aware of your comments on there; but for me, and many of the women in that group, it is the case. Yet we feel the need to hide our group from these people.

Why?

I'm not ashamed at all about my beliefs in equality, I'm rather proud of them, actually. So why do I feel the need to hide this part of my life from people around me?

Many of them will identify with believing that women can and should be equal. In fact, many of them believe that women are equal. And therein lies the rub of it.

I live an incredibly privileged life. I have a good job, house, car, family, finances, friends etc etc. I'm by no means Donald Trump, but I am a million miles away from being a 'dollar a day' employee, just hoping to make it through the next 24 hours. I am immensely grateful for that. I also know that I live in a time and place where I am able to vote, work, drive, speak in public etc. all of these things add up to a pretty high rate of privilege. So why am I still moaning?

Because, a significant number of people I know would tell me that I'm being over sensitive if I mention how the ending of Skyfall is a pile of pants. Because, my career is a typically female one and gets paid less than typically male ones. Because, when I take my daughter shopping we have to go to the boys section of a store to find the things she's interested in. Because so few women are the CEOs, politicians, decision makers of our society. Because I am fed up of people assuming that I will cook dinner. Because I still see injustice around me at every turn. So, yes, I will stomp my feet and shout "IT'S NOT FAIR".

I may sound like a toddler tantruming because their sibling got a slightly larger slice of the cookie, but it's still true - the balance between male and female lives is not fair. We're not just talking about cookies here, we're talking about power and freedom and the ability for us to flourish, to be the best version of ourselves that we can be. Just because most of life isn't fair does not mean we should shut up about it. Because it is doesn't mean it should be.

I have no idea about how to right all the wrongs of the world, I can only fight the battles that I see in front of me, and I won't quietly shut up just to make other people feel comfortable. In real life, I will have conversations to challenge and change the disparity around me.

But online? I find far too many people willing to bring harsh judgement, cruel words and mocking comments. I find that my opinions get twisted and distorted to make me look just like that toddler. I find that it's a safe haven for people who wouldn't dare to voice their misogynist opinions out loud, not in real life. And I find that it's just too wearisome to keep rebutting the same arguments over and over again, to people who clearly don't want to hear.

So, online, I hide in my secret group, relieved that there is a safe haven where I can be myself. It's almost as if we live in a patriarchal society, where women are too intimidated to speak out their beliefs. Oh, wait ...

Time for me to hush up now.

AFV WTF?

Oh How We Laughed

Stuck in a Starbucks late one evening, my daughter and I had the pleasure of watching, America's Funniest Videos. We couldn't hear any of the show, but I have seen enough of these kinds of program to know that people send in their home recordings in the hope that they will win substantial amounts of money by allowing the nation to laugh at them.

Some of the videos are funny, but a considerable number of them really aren't. The vast majority show people being physically hurt or humiliated in a way that will take a while to recover from. So why do we persist in finding these things funny?

We all know that humor is complex, and that not everyone laughs at the same things, but there is a very strong trend to find people falling over, running into things, having things drop on them etc as 'hilarious'.

My daughter is 9, and found far more of the videos funny than I did. I began to be perturbed at how easily she laughed at others' misfortunes, and I pointed out how some of them would have caused pain to the person involved. She did notice this, and definitely had a cut-off point where she winced and didn't laugh when people were hurt. But I did start to question why this show sat so uneasily with me.

There are some obvious points to raise: people are allowing themselves to be publicly humiliated in order to get some cash; people are often hurt but their misfortune is turned into a cheap trick; some of the videos appear very staged and faked, implying that it's OK to deceive the viewer if they get a good laugh; the mighty media industry is, once again, getting rich at the expense of the viewer.

I could go on, but there are a couple of aspects that I want to focus on. 

First of all, we all laugh when something surprising happens, it is a defense reflex. But it's not OK to cash in on that and even encourage it. By laughing when people cycle into a fence, or fall off a wall, or whatever, we are actually becoming less aware of the feelings of others, and it feeds into the 'get over it' mentality that blames people for being oversensitive when in fact they are rightly voicing their pain or discomfort. I wonder how many of the 'willing victims' have not found the situation even remotely funny, but in fact felt coerced into entering the video in the name of showing that they have a sense of humor and are good sports? Of course, it would be selfish of them to retain their dignity in the face of their family or friends potentially winning $100,000 (and the prize money was mentioned often). Do we become so used to laughing at others that we become inured to violence and instead find it funny?

Most worrying, though, is that the vast majority of videos showed boys and men taking on a 'Jackass' role in the name of humor. Somehow we have accepted the 'truth' that boys will be physically rougher, more likely to get involved in 'horseplay' and taking risks for the sake of a thrill or a laugh.

Put these two points together and a very unhappy scenario unfolds: it is in the nature of men to be physically challenging, dangerous and violent even, and we laugh at the victim, not showing them any sympathy. These are not 'values' that I wish to see perpetuated within society. Normalizing violence, making it appear funny and an entertainment, is very risky. At what point do we stop laughing, and start to feel sympathy for the people who get hurt? Then making it OK to laugh at the victim, effectively finger pointing and catcalling, would seriously make some people wary of going against the flow. No matter how much they are hurt, there is immense pressure to see the funny side, be part of the team, not put up any resistance.

Now put those values into a real life scenario. It is OK for men to be a bit rough, and you shouldn't complain or you will be accused of not having a sense of humor, or fitting in with others. Heaven forbid that anyone would take your side and offer any support whilst others stare and laugh at you.

There are many reasons why people don't report domestic violence, and up there in the top ten are 'I felt ashamed'. Victim blaming is rife in our culture, and shows like this encourage it. There are plenty of amusing things in life without having to extort humor from the infliction of pain.

And for those of you who accuse me of trying to suck the joy out of everything, I have only one thing to say: get a sense of humor - a good one this time.